Confessions of a Toddler Mom

I'm tired. Physically tired. Emotionally tired. Sleepy tired.

My back hurts from bending over throughout the day to pick up toys. I’m tired of folding clothes and then re-folding them after the kids have knocked them off the couch or taken them out of the laundry basket and thrown them up in the air like a pile of fall leaves, of putting away Tupperware that has been strewn all throughout the downstairs, of saying “no touch” to almost everything Elijah is interested in, of putting away our stash of movies that the kids thought would be fun to take out of the storage drawer, of sweeping under the dining table and forgetting to put the dirt pile away and having to re-do it after the kids try to help me finish or decide to eat it afterall, of forgetting to close the bathroom door and pantry door and office door in an attempt to “channel” Eli’s steps toward areas where I want him to be…etc, etc, etc.

One day last week I needed to vacuum the downstairs so I put the kids in the living room, blocked the door with a laundry rack and hurried to get the vacuuming done. I was particularly tired that day…of all that I mentioned above and found myself reciting that paragraph above to myself…only with tears streaming down my face and anger and frustration in my voice. Yes, I was saying it all out loud! By the time I made my way from the office, the pantry and dining room, the kitchen and into the hallway I had worked myself into such an emotional wreck that when I saw the kids in the living room, unpacking our movie drawer (for the 100th time) I just lost it!

Full of anger and frustration and exhaustion, I went in there yelling at the kids, crying at them, telling them how frustrated I am about all their “messes all over the house…over and over again!” They both just stared, wide-eyed and mouths open as I took the movies and literally threw them into the drawer and tv cabinet. Isn’t there a book somewhere titled “Good Women Get Angry Too”? Well, I have no idea what that book is about but I do know that I was good and angry that morning!

It was time for Eli’s nap anyway so I took him upstairs then got Abigail and took her up to her room. I pleaded with her for some time alone, for her to stay in her room and play quietly, look at books, whatever! but that “Mommy desperately needed time with God and please don’t come out of your room.”

I went downstairs, threw myself on the couch like Cinderella after the step sisters tore her dress apart and just cried out to God. Told HIM how tired I was, how alone I feel, how frustrated I am...just talked and talked and talked. Then I asked him what he wanted to say to me. I’ve been memorizing Psalm 103 so as He brought those words to mind I just let them fall over me like a long hot shower...uninterrupted by kids or the need to get kids or trying to hear where the kids are at or what the kids are doing…that I desperately craved.

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits—
Who forgives all your sins
And heals all your diseases
Who redeems your life from the pit
And crowns you with love and compassion
Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles.

The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel.

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone and it’s place remembers it no more.

But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children—with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.

The Lord has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all.

Praise the Lord, you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word.
Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will.
Praise the Lord, all his works everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the Lord, O my soul.

I chose to memorize this because that’s the kind of mother I want to be; compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love—the high and wide kind of love that God has for me. But that day, kneeling at the couch I heard God telling me about the compassion and grace that he has for me, as a mother of two toddlers who is physically tired and just yelled at her kids. I just cried and cried and thanked God for that sweet and tender compassion and grace and for not treating me as my sins deserve.

Afterward I went up to Abigail’s room and thanked her for staying in there and had the sweetest time of confessing my sins to her, asking for her forgiveness and just being loved on by the sweet little girl that is my daughter. What a joy!

Since that day I've been getting consistent alone time with the Lord, letting Him give me the strength to be the gracious, compassionate and joyful mom that I desire to be and have been astounded at times as I've handled situations and gotten more accomplished throughout my days. I'm so grateful for a God who is full of compassion and grace, slow to anger and abounding in love and enables us to live like Him!