Elijah is 11!

We celebrated Elijah's 11th Birthday with a few friends today. He chose a Minecraft theme, a video game that he is really into. We bought an X-Box as a family gift for Christmas from my Dad and Elijah had been saving up money to buy a Minecraft game for himself so after Christmas, I took him shopping to finally buy it.

Elijah is a pretty easy-going kid. He likes to tease his siblings and make lots of noise by singing, humming, drumming on things or just about anything to let us know that he's in the same room--but other than that. He's a really easy-going boy. He goes with the flow of whatever is happening around him as well as able to focus on a game or book or homework or puzzle no matter what other things are going on around him. It sure helps him be a good student at school!

Every year, I really enjoy making a BIG DEAL of him on his birthday, partly, because of all that, he's just so easy-going, sometimes it's easy for him to be overlooked. If any of the kids have to "give in" for the wishes of another...Elijah is usually the first one. He's a little peacemaker and I enjoy that about him.

It's pretty fun to love on him and make him the center of attention because he sure enjoys it and the rewards of hugs and kisses and thank-yous are pretty amazing to his Dad and I.

At school this year, he ended up in a class (that we chose for him) separated from most of his "friends" that he's had classes with since Kindergarten. It's been a joy to watch him choose new friends--Kevin & Michael--both really great kids, and just lean in to new friendships. From the very beginning of planning his party, they were the first two on his list. I like that.

So he created some world and game within the Minecraft video game for the party, which they all played and enjoyed. We also bought some perler beads for making Minecraft characters and surprisingly, the boys all enjoyed making them!
 

Giving In To Grief

Grief, to me, feels like an old blanket. Some days it feels so welcome and comfortable and I could lay under it all day. Other times, it feels worn-out and scratchy, too hot and I'm ready to throw it away and be done with it. 

People have told me I'm a "good griever" and I'm not sure if it's exactly true but I do give in to it and welcome it in my life. I've experienced the benefits of growing through it which helps me to accept it. I've had a fair share of things to grieve over, so it's grown to be a familiar feeling. I know the feeling and have learned it's rhythm. I've learned that it's a "safe" feeling and place to dwell--not live--but temporarily dwell. I understand that it comes and goes like the waves of an ocean. I've learned to let it wash over me, sometimes sending me crushing to the bottom of the ocean floor and other times it gently rolls over my feet. 

I think, for some people, grief is big and scary and they're afraid those gut-wrenching feelings will overtake them. They stand with clenched fists at the edge of the water, knowing it's coming and ready to run away once it gets close. I can understand that. 

It's like holding your breath and diving in to a cold swimming pool on a 100 degree day. You're miserable-hot, sweating profusely but you know the pool is going to feel cold when you dive in. So you stand there, your feet grounded on the hot pavement. Sometimes you need to sit on the edge and let your feet dangle in the water to get used to it. Other times you need others to push you in from the side or maybe splash you from inside the pool to entice you. However you decide to do it--you dive in and shake off those cold-jitters, it's a shock to your system but slowly your body adjusts as you swim around and soon, you find that it feels normal...even refreshing. Once you get out of the water again, you're able to endure the sweltering heat of the day. 

Giving in to grief is like that. 

I've had times where I'm just overcome with those deep, gut-wrenching feelings of grief and I felt stuck. I've curled up into a ball and just sobbed. I've done it over babies lost to Heaven and also when my Mom was dying. I was eating lunch at the table by myself. Lots of people were in the house, all doing different things. I started crying, remembering how when my Grandma had passed away, I held it all in and when she finally passed, I flopped myself on her and sobbed. So I left my lunch at the table and went to my Mom's bed where she was laying, almost unconscious at that point. I curled up next to her and sobbed. I told her how much I loved her and that I would miss her for the rest of my life. Joel was at a park with the kids and I texted him a picture of me laying with my Mom. I felt like I kept having to switch "hats". Some moments when the kids were around, I had to put on my "MOM" hat and help my kiddos process the sadness of losing their Grandma. Laying there next to my Mom, I realized I only wanted to wear my "Daughter" hat for the rest of the time I had left with her. Joel brought the kids back and led our family through a "goodbye" to my Mom and then he made the 3 hour drive home with the kids, leaving me 5 hours left to be a Daughter. It was a gift in many ways.


Here are some ways that I have come to embrace grief:

• Comfort Food. Popcorn is my comfort food. Before kids, there were times during our "losing babies years" that I would eat popcorn for dinner for a week. I say, eat something that you enjoy! Enjoy it and get back to eating normal and healthy again. Give yourself some grace and let your body heal. 
• Movies. Sometimes I choose to watch movies that I know will make me cry. I feel like it pulls the grief out of me and it's one of those good and hard feelings. It hurts. It does, but it's like that ocean wave that threatens to overtake me, I let it come and wash over me and the story of the movie brings me back up for air. Joel doesn't always understand it and honestly, I think it makes him uncomfortable because he doesn't like to see me in pain but trust me, it's a good pain. (The movie, Marley and Me, has been a good tear-jerker movie for me.)
• Journaling. Writing out all those complicated, jumbled up feelings. Getting it all out of your heart and onto paper is a good, healing thing. Writing about ALL the losses you have to face. Losing my Mom means a whole bunch of losses in our future; she was my kids' Grandma, she won't be able to watch my kids grow up, she won't be at future graduations and weddings, etc. Grieving over all those individual losses helps me to move forward. Writing about the sadness, the journey, the details of the loss, the complicated relief you may feel, the funny things, the hard things. Just write...or type it out. ;)
• Talk, talk, talk. A lot of times, people don't know how to talk about someone who's died afterward. Oh, it's okay just after and at the funeral and maybe for a week or two later. After that, though, it's like they're afraid that by bringing up the name it will make the person cry or perhaps, remind them that they're not here anymore. Let me just say that I remember every day that my Mom died on April 29th, 2016. I know she's not here anymore. ;) And I still cry about losing her, losing babies and all the other losses in life. If someone asks me how I'm doing with her loss, I probably won't burst into tears at the mention of her name...probably. I may tear up and choke-up before being able to answer but really, it makes the person who lost someone feel like they're not alone. Walking the path of grief from losing a family member is a lonely thing once the funeral is over and everyone else is back to their own life. Time moves fast for the rest of the world. For the person who's lost a close family member...they're counting every month, remembering the loss on "the" day each month...1 month, 2 months, 3 months (already?!) ...6 months (it's been half a year...) It's SO healing to still talk about the person who passed, to say, "hey! I remember when "so and so" said..." and then laugh. It's SO good to talk, talk, talk. Say their name and remember the person that they were, the contribution that they made to your family, to the workplace, to the neighborhood, to the church body and community. It's SO good. And, it's okay too, if you don't even remember exactly when the person died. It's okay to ask, "how long has it been now?" ...they'll know and just having you acknowledge the loss is comforting. 
• Get some counseling. I had the thought to get some counseling several times, but it wasn't until having a recurring argument with Joel for a couple months (and he and my best friend suggesting it) that it finally sunk in that I really needed to talk to a professional about what I was dealing with. It wasn't as hard as I thought it was and it was surprisingly helpful! (Cornerstone Christian Counseling Center is a great place and takes many Insurance carriers!)
• Find a special way to remember. I have a necklace that I wear from time to time that has all of our kid's names on it as well as an "Angel" with the name Isaac engraved that my Mother-In-Law gave me when we lost him. When my Mom passed, I planted several new perennial plants out front that will blooms each spring and summer. Just recently, we planted a cherry tree at my Dad's house on the one year of her going to Heaven. 
• Look through photos. I love taking photos and can get lost looking at them for hours. When April Fisher passed, I pulled out photos from the first Cornerstone team that came to Slovenia in 2005. She was on that team and I found several photos of her.
• Offer Grace. I have one of Shelley Ekstrom's painted boards on my wall that says, "Offer Grace". It was a much needed daily reminder for me this past year. I needed to offer it to myself, to my family and to others and desperately needed it from my family. Some days it was like air. 

Helping Kids deal with Grief and the Benefits of Giving in to Grief
I feel like these go hand-in-hand and this list is in no way all-inclusive and is probably obvious but I wanted to include it anyway. When my Mom was passing away, we included our kids as much as we could. Little ones have this simple faith that it's okay, it will all work out and everyone is better off dying because they'll be with Jesus! It's a beautiful thing. I have video of Hannah "reading" a book to my Mom during her last days. Hannah was such a comfort and joy to have around. She knew my Mom's favorite candy was Peppermint Patties and I have a picture of her unwrapping and giving one to my Mom. As she was dying and so many of us were crying, sad and somber, she and Caleb would tell people "it's okay, she's going to be with Jesus." 

When my Mom could only lay in bed, the kids drew pictures for her and we taped them to the ceiling. I don't think my Mom ever looked at them again after they were taped up, but the kids felt included and like they had done something to comfort Grandma. 

A friend of mine gave me this idea. When my Mom was diagnosed, I went to Build-A-Bear and purchased 4 of the inserts for recording your own message. That Christmas, my Mom and I had SO MUCH FUN laughing as she tried to figure out how to use those things and say everything she wanted to say in the brief 10 seconds the device allows. Afterward, our kids were able to go to the store and pick out their own special stuffed animal from the store. We also have a Hallmark Christmas book of my parents reading a book to the kids. 

Include your kids in your feelings of grief. Its okay and good, even, for them to see you cry. It shows them that it's okay for them to feel sad. It's a beautiful thing to allow them to comfort you and make you feel loved. Allow them in to your world and gently explain what's going on. They're so smart, they probably already know something is going on and need to be reassured it's not them that's causing you pain. 

Let them talk and ask questions. Let them know that feelings are safe and it's okay and important to feel things and talk about it. Use pictures like the ocean to explain how feelings can wash over us too and that they come and go. Have them draw pictures or journal about what's going on in their hearts. I always send emails to their school Teachers when big things are happening in their lives. You never know when it may come out (in their class writing journals or at recess) and if they'll be brave enough to explain to a Teacher about what is going on in their family.

That leads me to some of the amazing God-redeeming benefits of grief. We all grow in our empathy and compassion for others. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says that Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have received. I've been on both ends of that amazing, grace-giving truth. 

We become more like Christ. A lot of times people quote Romans 8:28 when they're going through a hard time. In all things, God does work for the good of those who love him. Verse 29 says, For those God foreknew, he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son. When we're faced with hard things in our lives, God can and will use that to make us more like Christ. 

We can become deeper people with a greater longing for Heaven. I know that I've grown deeper as a person, caring more about lasting things in life than in just having a good time along the way. I long for Heaven in much deeper ways now that I KNOW I have people there who I dearly love. It's just amazing to wonder about what they're doing, who they're meeting and talking to, how they worship Jesus...just all of it. 

God walks with us. Psalm 23 says that he leads us to the valley of the shadow of death. He brings us there and gently leads, walks, sometimes carries us through to the other side. He is so good and faithful. When we were moving home from Slovenia, our family memorized Isaiah 43:1-3 together. 

But now, this is what the Lord says--he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flamers will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

I have thought of those promises so many times through the years. The Lord is so faithful and good and although things come into our lives that threaten to sweep us out to sea or burn us to a crisp, the Lord is there with his mighty hand to uphold us, strengthen us, lead us and gently shelter us in his wings. He's so good and loving and kind and faithful. I've learned that time and again as I've stood at the edge of the water, watching the waves coming, choosing to open my fists and trust His goodness to love and guide me through.

  

First & Last Days

 

 First & Last Days of 4th Grade

 First & Last Days of 2nd Grade

First & Last Days of Kindergarten

First & Last Days of Preschool

Elijah's Baptism

After Abigail's baptism last year, Elijah's been talking about wanting to get baptized too. These were his words during the sharing time:

"Hi, My name is Elijah

and I want to get baptized because

I want Jesus to change my life and

I want my life to be white as snow."

Oh man, melt my heart! I was quite a ways away from him as he shared, so I choked up when I heard him share, but I couldn't see his face too well until Pastor Barry posted a video of him. He was choked up as well and swallowed it all down and pushed through.

Elijah is such an energetic, fun-loving boy...it's not often we see his tender side and it makes me love him a little deeper each time I get a glimpse of it.

My Dad came over for his baptism and it was the first of many "firsts without Mom, Grandma and "wife" for my Dad" this coming year. I felt choked up about that many times today as well as my Dad. After the baptism was done and we were switching to "swim party" Dad and I were both tearing up as without even having to say it, we both were thinking, "Mom was here last year." It was hard. It's going to be hard each and every time. We're just not meant for separation...God created us for relationship and it's going to be a glorious time in Heaven to ALWAYS be with Him and others who love Him.(At least for us extroverts! ;) And...we will all be white as snow.

 

 

 Abigail loved playing with Hunter in the water, she did a great job keeping him safe and she chose to do it all on her own! So proud of her!

 Hannah and her sweet friends, Allison and Emily.

I was across the pool, talking with a friend and I saw Hannah climbing the ladder for the slide! I couldn't see Joel over there, so I made my there and then noticed Joel was in the pool near the side where she would come off but he said, "she's already gone down 2 or 3 times, she's fine!" This girl...just, no fear!! Yikes! And at the same time, "Yay! Go girl!"

 Little munchkin, dog-paddling back to the side to go again and again and again...

Christmas Program

Christmas Sunday at church is always fun because it's a kid's Christmas program. The Tater Tots had their own little choir, along with Hannah Strandberg. Caleb and Hannah were both in that group. They all wore sheep ears and the cutest song was "Baa La La La" So cute, especially because they had no idea how cute they were. They were just singing their little song.

Caleb is in the middle of the top row and Hannah is the second from the left on the bottom row.

Abigail was able to read a passage of Scripture and she and Elijah were both in the bigger kids choir. The boys wore Shepherd's coverings and the girls wore pretty, sparkly head wraps. They all did a wonderful job. I just love watching all their faces.

Red Grandma & Grandpa, Uncle Jon, Aunt Erin and the boys all came to church that morning. It was wonderful to have them all there with us for the Christmas program.

 Elijah is the 2nd boy from the right.

 Abigail is the first one on the left, third row up. 

After church the kids obliged me and smiled for some pictures in front of the Christmas tree. They even posed for individual pictures or with siblings. It was SO nice for this Mama's heart! ;) 

As well as a couple silly ones too! ;) 

Hannah's Christmas Program

Hannah was pretty excited for her preschool music program. Mom and Dad Woodard had just flown in the night before so we invited them and Uncle Jon, Aunt Erin and the boys. In the past, it's just been our family at the program so it was exciting to have more family and to have Mom and Dad here especially!

 Hannah and her teachers, Miss Joie and Miss Lori.

Since I work at the preschool now, I needed to be downstairs beforehand to help the kids in our class and in the future will need to stand in the back to help the kids but this year, I was able to sit in the seats and just enjoy Hannah. The music teacher taught the older kids to play Jingle Bells using bells. It was impressive!

After the program, a Santa comes in for pictures with the kids. We got quite the photo with all the "Woodard" kids!

It was so special to have Red Grandma & Grandpa at the program. They came for Christmas this year and spent the first week with Jon, Erin & the boys and their second week was with us. It was a little teaser to see them just after they arrived knowing we would have to wait almost a week until we got to spend quality time with them.

 

 

A favorite Christmas Tradition

The weekend after Thanksgiving, we pull out the Christmas boxes and begin decorating the house for the holidays. My favorite box is the one with the Christmas books. December 6th is St. Nicholas Day and we celebrate by giving the kids a new Christmas book, some oranges and chocolate. It's a favorite tradition for me. I love seeing the special books each year and reading them with the kids. I love that they come out at Christmas time and then get put back away again until next year...hoping to keep them special that way.

 

   

  

Some are board books, some are just picture books, and now some are chapter books. A little bit of everything is tucked in there and I like them all!

  

 

When they wake up early, they can turn on the lights, get a Christmas book and blanket and read by the tree. I just love it!

Thanksgiving Week

This year was a snowy trek to get to Grandpa & Grandma's house for Thanksgiving. It started snowing around Zig-Zag and didn't stop. We had already planned on meeting them for dinner at Applebee's in Redmond, so we stuck with our plan. We didn't get there until 7pm and there was a good foot and a half on the ground. Our van did so well in the snow and the kids had their movie players in the back so thankfully, there wasn't too much grumbling with the extra-long drive. At one point they started watching "Frozen" and switched the language to Spanish which made it new and really funny to listen to!

Our first full day there was my birthday and it was fun to have some beautiful, snow-covered scenery to take in and enjoy during our down time. The kids had fun playing outside for a short time, but it was below freezing, so they got cold quickly. Caleb was the first one outside and played by himself for about an hour, he had a great time! Joel and I got out for a walk all by ourselves, it was so pretty and "still" --I like how the snow creates "stillness".

 

We all had fun playing Wii games.

 Thanksgiving dinner was simple and scrumptious! 

 

The day after Thanksgiving, the weather was still below freezing and covered with snow, but Joel and I ventured out for some Black Friday shopping together. Really, it was just fun to get out for a little time just the two of us. We didn't really have an agenda or plan, so we were relaxed, took our time and just enjoyed the time out.