Giving In To Grief

Grief, to me, feels like an old blanket. Some days it feels so welcome and comfortable and I could lay under it all day. Other times, it feels worn-out and scratchy, too hot and I'm ready to throw it away and be done with it. 

People have told me I'm a "good griever" and I'm not sure if it's exactly true but I do give in to it and welcome it in my life. I've experienced the benefits of growing through it which helps me to accept it. I've had a fair share of things to grieve over, so it's grown to be a familiar feeling. I know the feeling and have learned it's rhythm. I've learned that it's a "safe" feeling and place to dwell--not live--but temporarily dwell. I understand that it comes and goes like the waves of an ocean. I've learned to let it wash over me, sometimes sending me crushing to the bottom of the ocean floor and other times it gently rolls over my feet. 

I think, for some people, grief is big and scary and they're afraid those gut-wrenching feelings will overtake them. They stand with clenched fists at the edge of the water, knowing it's coming and ready to run away once it gets close. I can understand that. 

It's like holding your breath and diving in to a cold swimming pool on a 100 degree day. You're miserable-hot, sweating profusely but you know the pool is going to feel cold when you dive in. So you stand there, your feet grounded on the hot pavement. Sometimes you need to sit on the edge and let your feet dangle in the water to get used to it. Other times you need others to push you in from the side or maybe splash you from inside the pool to entice you. However you decide to do it--you dive in and shake off those cold-jitters, it's a shock to your system but slowly your body adjusts as you swim around and soon, you find that it feels normal...even refreshing. Once you get out of the water again, you're able to endure the sweltering heat of the day. 

Giving in to grief is like that. 

I've had times where I'm just overcome with those deep, gut-wrenching feelings of grief and I felt stuck. I've curled up into a ball and just sobbed. I've done it over babies lost to Heaven and also when my Mom was dying. I was eating lunch at the table by myself. Lots of people were in the house, all doing different things. I started crying, remembering how when my Grandma had passed away, I held it all in and when she finally passed, I flopped myself on her and sobbed. So I left my lunch at the table and went to my Mom's bed where she was laying, almost unconscious at that point. I curled up next to her and sobbed. I told her how much I loved her and that I would miss her for the rest of my life. Joel was at a park with the kids and I texted him a picture of me laying with my Mom. I felt like I kept having to switch "hats". Some moments when the kids were around, I had to put on my "MOM" hat and help my kiddos process the sadness of losing their Grandma. Laying there next to my Mom, I realized I only wanted to wear my "Daughter" hat for the rest of the time I had left with her. Joel brought the kids back and led our family through a "goodbye" to my Mom and then he made the 3 hour drive home with the kids, leaving me 5 hours left to be a Daughter. It was a gift in many ways.


Here are some ways that I have come to embrace grief:

• Comfort Food. Popcorn is my comfort food. Before kids, there were times during our "losing babies years" that I would eat popcorn for dinner for a week. I say, eat something that you enjoy! Enjoy it and get back to eating normal and healthy again. Give yourself some grace and let your body heal. 
• Movies. Sometimes I choose to watch movies that I know will make me cry. I feel like it pulls the grief out of me and it's one of those good and hard feelings. It hurts. It does, but it's like that ocean wave that threatens to overtake me, I let it come and wash over me and the story of the movie brings me back up for air. Joel doesn't always understand it and honestly, I think it makes him uncomfortable because he doesn't like to see me in pain but trust me, it's a good pain. (The movie, Marley and Me, has been a good tear-jerker movie for me.)
• Journaling. Writing out all those complicated, jumbled up feelings. Getting it all out of your heart and onto paper is a good, healing thing. Writing about ALL the losses you have to face. Losing my Mom means a whole bunch of losses in our future; she was my kids' Grandma, she won't be able to watch my kids grow up, she won't be at future graduations and weddings, etc. Grieving over all those individual losses helps me to move forward. Writing about the sadness, the journey, the details of the loss, the complicated relief you may feel, the funny things, the hard things. Just write...or type it out. ;)
• Talk, talk, talk. A lot of times, people don't know how to talk about someone who's died afterward. Oh, it's okay just after and at the funeral and maybe for a week or two later. After that, though, it's like they're afraid that by bringing up the name it will make the person cry or perhaps, remind them that they're not here anymore. Let me just say that I remember every day that my Mom died on April 29th, 2016. I know she's not here anymore. ;) And I still cry about losing her, losing babies and all the other losses in life. If someone asks me how I'm doing with her loss, I probably won't burst into tears at the mention of her name...probably. I may tear up and choke-up before being able to answer but really, it makes the person who lost someone feel like they're not alone. Walking the path of grief from losing a family member is a lonely thing once the funeral is over and everyone else is back to their own life. Time moves fast for the rest of the world. For the person who's lost a close family member...they're counting every month, remembering the loss on "the" day each month...1 month, 2 months, 3 months (already?!) ...6 months (it's been half a year...) It's SO healing to still talk about the person who passed, to say, "hey! I remember when "so and so" said..." and then laugh. It's SO good to talk, talk, talk. Say their name and remember the person that they were, the contribution that they made to your family, to the workplace, to the neighborhood, to the church body and community. It's SO good. And, it's okay too, if you don't even remember exactly when the person died. It's okay to ask, "how long has it been now?" ...they'll know and just having you acknowledge the loss is comforting. 
• Get some counseling. I had the thought to get some counseling several times, but it wasn't until having a recurring argument with Joel for a couple months (and he and my best friend suggesting it) that it finally sunk in that I really needed to talk to a professional about what I was dealing with. It wasn't as hard as I thought it was and it was surprisingly helpful! (Cornerstone Christian Counseling Center is a great place and takes many Insurance carriers!)
• Find a special way to remember. I have a necklace that I wear from time to time that has all of our kid's names on it as well as an "Angel" with the name Isaac engraved that my Mother-In-Law gave me when we lost him. When my Mom passed, I planted several new perennial plants out front that will blooms each spring and summer. Just recently, we planted a cherry tree at my Dad's house on the one year of her going to Heaven. 
• Look through photos. I love taking photos and can get lost looking at them for hours. When April Fisher passed, I pulled out photos from the first Cornerstone team that came to Slovenia in 2005. She was on that team and I found several photos of her.
• Offer Grace. I have one of Shelley Ekstrom's painted boards on my wall that says, "Offer Grace". It was a much needed daily reminder for me this past year. I needed to offer it to myself, to my family and to others and desperately needed it from my family. Some days it was like air. 

Helping Kids deal with Grief and the Benefits of Giving in to Grief
I feel like these go hand-in-hand and this list is in no way all-inclusive and is probably obvious but I wanted to include it anyway. When my Mom was passing away, we included our kids as much as we could. Little ones have this simple faith that it's okay, it will all work out and everyone is better off dying because they'll be with Jesus! It's a beautiful thing. I have video of Hannah "reading" a book to my Mom during her last days. Hannah was such a comfort and joy to have around. She knew my Mom's favorite candy was Peppermint Patties and I have a picture of her unwrapping and giving one to my Mom. As she was dying and so many of us were crying, sad and somber, she and Caleb would tell people "it's okay, she's going to be with Jesus." 

When my Mom could only lay in bed, the kids drew pictures for her and we taped them to the ceiling. I don't think my Mom ever looked at them again after they were taped up, but the kids felt included and like they had done something to comfort Grandma. 

A friend of mine gave me this idea. When my Mom was diagnosed, I went to Build-A-Bear and purchased 4 of the inserts for recording your own message. That Christmas, my Mom and I had SO MUCH FUN laughing as she tried to figure out how to use those things and say everything she wanted to say in the brief 10 seconds the device allows. Afterward, our kids were able to go to the store and pick out their own special stuffed animal from the store. We also have a Hallmark Christmas book of my parents reading a book to the kids. 

Include your kids in your feelings of grief. Its okay and good, even, for them to see you cry. It shows them that it's okay for them to feel sad. It's a beautiful thing to allow them to comfort you and make you feel loved. Allow them in to your world and gently explain what's going on. They're so smart, they probably already know something is going on and need to be reassured it's not them that's causing you pain. 

Let them talk and ask questions. Let them know that feelings are safe and it's okay and important to feel things and talk about it. Use pictures like the ocean to explain how feelings can wash over us too and that they come and go. Have them draw pictures or journal about what's going on in their hearts. I always send emails to their school Teachers when big things are happening in their lives. You never know when it may come out (in their class writing journals or at recess) and if they'll be brave enough to explain to a Teacher about what is going on in their family.

That leads me to some of the amazing God-redeeming benefits of grief. We all grow in our empathy and compassion for others. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says that Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have received. I've been on both ends of that amazing, grace-giving truth. 

We become more like Christ. A lot of times people quote Romans 8:28 when they're going through a hard time. In all things, God does work for the good of those who love him. Verse 29 says, For those God foreknew, he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son. When we're faced with hard things in our lives, God can and will use that to make us more like Christ. 

We can become deeper people with a greater longing for Heaven. I know that I've grown deeper as a person, caring more about lasting things in life than in just having a good time along the way. I long for Heaven in much deeper ways now that I KNOW I have people there who I dearly love. It's just amazing to wonder about what they're doing, who they're meeting and talking to, how they worship Jesus...just all of it. 

God walks with us. Psalm 23 says that he leads us to the valley of the shadow of death. He brings us there and gently leads, walks, sometimes carries us through to the other side. He is so good and faithful. When we were moving home from Slovenia, our family memorized Isaiah 43:1-3 together. 

But now, this is what the Lord says--he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flamers will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

I have thought of those promises so many times through the years. The Lord is so faithful and good and although things come into our lives that threaten to sweep us out to sea or burn us to a crisp, the Lord is there with his mighty hand to uphold us, strengthen us, lead us and gently shelter us in his wings. He's so good and loving and kind and faithful. I've learned that time and again as I've stood at the edge of the water, watching the waves coming, choosing to open my fists and trust His goodness to love and guide me through.